How Should I Ask For Help?

Madi Kohr • January 11, 2021

How Should I Ask For Help?



Here we go, it’s happening again. You’ve been making great progress on your most recent project at work and everything is going smoothly. Then all of a sudden you get stuck on a bug that you just can’t figure out. You spend an appropriate amount of time digging around, researching, and throwing some fixes at the wall but nothing seems to help. You reach the point that a lot of people (myself included) have come to dread: you need help! It happens to everyone quite often, but it can still be one of the hardest things you do throughout the day. And it’s not just professionally. There are plenty of times you’ll need help in all aspects of your life and those moments can be harder than the actual task that you need to get done.

It doesn’t seem like asking a friend to help you move or your sister what you should wear to an interview should be that hard. Situations like this and many others can be tough to navigate. Many times it is due to the fact that we aren’t very good at asking for help. In order to make this easier, we tend to frame our ask to make it so that the other person is more likely to help out. We think that if we emphasize how important the task is and how badly we need them to do it for us it’ll increase the likelihood of getting assistance.

How To Get SMART!

In his article “The Best Way to Ask for Help (And Actually Get It)” [1] Jeff Haden suggests doing the opposite of this tactic. He poses the idea that all you need to say is ‘Can you help me?’. This might seem like too simple of an approach, but the research shows that it tends to be the most effective. Those four simple words are hard to ignore or blow off, especially in an existing relationship that you’d like to preserve. Keeping your initial ask for help simple encourages people to at least follow up with a ‘I can try’ rather than an outright ‘no’.

Open the door with the simplest version of your ask that you can ‘can you help me?’. But once the other person is able and willing to help, you need to tell them what you actually need help with. Make sure that you know what you want/need and be clear about your expectations for the other party. Wayne Baker writes about asking SMART, which is just a breakdown of five different components that you should include in your request for assistance. Baker says you should be ‘Specific, Meaningful (why you need it), Action-oriented (ask for something to be done), Real (authentic, not made up), and Time-bound (when you need it)’ [2] when asking for help. These five factors will make sure that the other party knows exactly what you’re asking for and it can also make them more willing to lend a hand. Demonstrating that you’ve put plenty of thought into the task on your own and have tried to sort it out yourself shows the other person that you’re serious about getting this thing done. It also will show that you will most likely be set up to help them help you since you have done the research and prep work already.

How Do I Know When To Ask For Help?

As someone who is still new to my team, it has been crucial to know when and how to ask for help at work. I am very lucky to have coworkers who are willing to take a look at whatever issue I might be having. It was a big step moving from a job where I was very comfortable and competent at what I was doing to challenging myself in new ways. It took a while for me to be able to ask for the help that I needed, and it is something I’m still working on. But if you’re able to set aside your pride and recognize that asking for help is not a failure or an embarrassment, your relationships will thrive because of it. Since learning when and how to ask for help, I feel like those around me are now more comfortable coming to me for help. This results in me feeling really validated when I can lend a hand in return.

Helping Others Builds Relationships

In whatever situation you’re in, professional or personal, try to help others first. In all aspects of your life try to create a culture where asking for it is encouraged and giving it is done freely. When having the conversation about asking for assistance it’s important to make sure you reciprocate, don’t solely be the giver or the taker. When you give other’s the chance to lend you a hand, it’s a positive experience for both of you. Don’t view it as transactional, i.e. I helped you now you must help me, aka a ‘you owe me’ mindset. Help is not about getting into a perceived emotional debt with someone but building your relationship and establishing trust. Being able to support someone can make you feel more confident in your skills as well as give you a deep sense of satisfaction. So next time you get stuck, don’t be afraid to reach out. Just remember to keep things simple and be sure that you’ve done your best to figure it out on your own. Giving and receiving help strengthens the bond between you and those around you, whether it’s a personal or professional relationship.


1 = Article by Jeff Haden https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/the-best-way-to-ask-for-help-and-actually-get-it.html 2 = Taken from Wayne Baker’s article ‘5 Ways to Get Better at Asking for Help’. https://hbr.org/2014/12/5-ways-to-get-better-at-asking-for-help



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